There is (was?) an artist named Frederick S. Fudala, somewhere in upstate New York, who (a long time ago) was on deviantart and created this drawing which I “embedded” into “‘Tami Smithers Was Here’” on the writingsofleviticus site. It’s called “Druuna’s Ascent”, a tribute to the graphic novel character created by Paolo Serpieri. As I recall Mr. Fudala’s original comment was: “I picture Druuna, having been stripped by a gang of thugs, escaping by scaling this cliff, only to find herself thrust into yet another peril which she will have to deal with while naked.” It fits in with Tami’s plight in general, and in particular her scaling the cliff to get away from teenage toughs at the end of Part 29 of “‘Tami Smithers Was Here’”. Fred, I’ve been trying to find you for years, please contact me!
LTJG McNally, Debutante
SCENE 1
[Lt. j.g. McNALLY and Ensign MEIER, walking in snow, McNALLY nude, MEIER bundled up, overcoat, boots, gloves]
McNALLY Can’t you walk faster?
MEIER We’re not supposed to be in a hurry. Besides, it’s only about a quarter of a mile.
McNALLY A quarter mile to frostbitten toes and g - general hypothermia.
MEIER You’ve done this before. Behave this time. Every artist in town will be there.
McNALLY Why do you have to p - parade me around like this?
MEIER Us keeping to ourselves looks suspicious. I’ve been getting out more and so should you. That’s
why I made sure everyone knew that you’d be coming, so that you can hook up with other
artists, instead of posing for just me.
McNALLY Great. Showing my bare butt to more people. You’re still p - parading me around.
MEIER Well there’s not much other work around here for a girl who’s naked at all times. And you can
do fun things. I told you already, use that nice camera of mine and just stroll around, taking
pictures.
McNALLY Not my idea of fun. My idea of fun is staying in the cabin with a hot chocolate, and reading
online. And pretending I at least had blankets.
MEIER Try going out on Thursday. It’s supposed to be nice then. Ten degrees Celsius.
McNALLY Nice! In my home t - town that would be a record low.
MEIER Think about Miami later. In a minute we’ll be there. People to talk to. Please try to get your
story right this time.
McNALLY I th - think I’ve done pretty well, considering.
MEIER You told Mr. Andersen you’ve been naked for two years. After telling Miss Olssen it was three.
McNALLY When was that?
MEIER When you were posing for my charcoal snow portrait.
McNALLY What did you expect? I was half f- freezing to death. And you were taking your sweet time, you
b - bastard. I c - couldn’t feel my b - butt.
MEIER It’s still not good enough. And to tell them you grew up in Bloomington, Minnesota! It was
supposed to be Indiana! It was pure luck there’s a Bloomington in Minnesota too. I don’t want
any more screwups. That’s why I wrote those answers out for you. Did you memorize them?
McNALLY Yes. They’re inane. You’re making me look like a b - bimbo.
MEIER Just stay on script.
McNALLY D - do I have to remind you I outrank you?
MEIER I’m supposed to be monitoring our cover.
McNALLY In my case, lack of cover.
MEIER That’s another thing. You cringe too much. You’re supposed to be comfortable with being
naked. Embrace your nudity. Don’t shiver, don’t hug yourself, don’t rub your arms. Remember:
you don’t fear the cold. You just make allowances for it.
McNALLY Easy for you to say!
MEIER Just follow my instructions. Am I exceeding my brief here?
McNALLY [after a pause] No.
MEIER It’s difficult for me trying to control you, going right up to the edge of insubordination.
McNALLY F**k you. I can tell you about f**king d - d - difficult! It’s not fair!
MEIER That may be true but it’s not relevant.
McNALLY May be true! . . . We’re almost there, f - finally.
MEIER Let me I remind you: don’t run. Stay with me.
McNALLY You’re f**king slowing down. Asshole!
SCENE 2
[City Hall reception room; McNALLY, MEIER, MAYOR and his WIFE, various others including ARTISTS, gathered around McNALLY, all holding drinks]
MAYOR So tell me, Ms. McNally, how was it that you gave up clothes?
McNALLY I, um, I came out of the pool at my friend’s house in -- where was it?
MEIER Tampa, Florida.
McNALLY Right. Forgot the actual town. I, um, liked swimming without a suit, I dried off, and I decided,
What was the, um, point of putting on clothes again?
MAYOR That must have been hard to manage, going unclothed day by day, all the time.
McNALLY I was an artist’s model anyway, and I didn’t have a regular job, so . . .
MAYOR And that was three years ago?
MAYOR’S WIFE I think she said two, dear.
MAYOR No, I’m pretty sure it was three, Geli Olssen told me.
MAYOR’S WIFE Leon told me she said two.
MAYOR Well, whatever, it was . . . why did you pick Tromsø? This is hardly Florida.
MEIER [after a pause] We heard it was nudist tolerant.
MAYOR Yes, we are that, though we don’t see it in the winter, except when people run around after being
in saunas.
MEIER It doesn’t really get all that cold here. She can deal with it.
MAYOR’S WIFE That’s hard to believe. Is that really true, Ms. McNally?
McNALLY Yes, it’s -- true. I can stay out a little while.
MEIER To get acclimated she does what she calls the “five minute chill”.
MAYOR I’ve never heard of that. What is it?
MEIER She rolls around in the snow, like after a sauna, then stays still until she starts shivering. Then
she waits five more minutes before she goes inside. I keep the time with a stopwatch. Doing this
she builds up resistance so that she can stay outside longer and longer.
MAYOR’S WIFE [to McNALLY] You are an amazing girl!
MEIER She can demonstrate if you want. Tomorrow maybe, on the town square.
MAYOR’S WIFE We’re supposed to get quite a snowfall tomorrow.
MEIER All the better!
MAYOR O.K., I’ll be there. [to McNALLY] I see you like Martinis. We’ll have one waiting for you
tomorrow when you finally come in.
McNALLY Um . . . thanks.
FIRST ARTIST Miss McNally, I can’t tell you how thrilled we are to have you living here. You are an artist’s
dream. How long do you plan to stay?
McNALLY Don’t know, yet. We’ll see how it goes.
MEIER We really love it here.
McNALLY Um . . . yes.
MEIER She’s too shy to admit it but she loves the feel of snow under her bare feet.
FIRST ARTIST Indeed, a rare sight. [to McNALLY] Like your friend I do figure drawings, though they are
more abstract. Am I correct in calling you just his friend?
MEIER We’re just friends. I’m gay.
FIRST ARTIST Well . . . Miss McNally must have some very great attributes as a model. I am interested in
engaging her. Can you tell me more about her?
MEIER You’re asking me, as an artist?
FIRST ARTIST Most models, the way they move, the way they pose, can be either suitable or not for a
particular artist or particular style.
SECOND ARTIST Yes, that’s definitely true.
MEIER I’ll let her demonstrate. [in a louder voice] Friends, people of Tromsø, I’m guessing that some
of you are painters and sketchers. My partner in art has posed for dozens of artists, and can
take a lot of poses. If it’s ok with the Mayor, perhaps she can get up on this coffee table and
show what she can do.
MAYOR’S WIFE Is this o.k. with you, Miss?
McNALLY [after pause] Of course.
MEIER O.K., Meg, if you could just stand up, put your drink down first, thanks. Notice how perfect
her posture is. Could you do military? . . . See how in an “at attention” position, her breasts
protrude more. Her areolas are perfectly circular. You can come closer, folks. Meg, if you can
inhale, then exhale, slowly . . . See how her breasts rise and fall, the angle of the nipples
changes. Now Meg, turn around, please . . . Her buttocks are trim and toned, so this is not
something Rubens would approve of. [chuckling from the crowd] Notice she has a birthmark
down here, near the crack. . . Now could you bend forward touching your knees? . . . See how
her breasts jiggle a bit, but are fairly firm. She also has great flexibility. There’s only so much
she can do on this table but, could you touch your toes? . . . Notice how perfectly straight her
legs can be, how she is practically jack-knifed so that her breasts are crushed against her
thighs. See how her butt bones, the ischia, protrude but not too severely.
FIRST ARTIST Amazing. Adaptable to several styles.
SECOND ARTIST Suitable best for rendering, maybe.
FIRST ARTIST I’d say line drawing too. Actually everything!
MEIER Turn around Meg, could you, to give the people on this side a view . . . those of you behind, if
you want more intimate poses, some artists specialize in that, see how as she bends down her
pubic hair is not getting in the way of her labia. And of course you see her anus which is
almost geometrically perfect. It’s in shadow right now Meg, please turn left about thirty degrees
. . . . there! Note how the perineum is free of pubic hair. Also the gentle fold as it merges with
the lower part of her labia.
SECOND ARTIST Remarkable.
THIRD ARTIST I’d call it . . . curious.
MEIER She also has sideways flexibility. I’ve got several photos hung up, as you can see. Notice the
one there, with her legs wide, squatting over a row of seeds. It’s actually two photos of course.
FIRST ARTIST Yes, I see that. It certainly catches the eye. A fascinating composition. It’s as if she was
planting the seeds out of her womb. An interesting switch on the Mother Earth idea.
MEIER Exactly. Now Meg, finally, can you raise your arms? See how her breasts ride up when she does
that. And look here, how concave her tummy is! Now Meg, if you could look upwards . . . The
line of her neck is exquisite, and turn to the left . . . a wonderful profile too. Finally down to
the pubic area, you see what she calls her “lower hair”, which she takes pride in as much as the
hair on her head. See how it is trimmed yet fairly full. She keeps the edge rounded, you don’t
want something cute like a point or a heart shape distracting the presentation. You used to keep
it a flat horizontal line, right, Meg?
McNALLY Um . . . yes.
MEIER You can come closer to look, folks, yes, you can come closer than that, don’t worry about
crowding around . . . see that her clitoris is perfect for this kind of pose, clearly visible, poking
out without being too prominent and distracting, and once again you see her labia, as is normal
they open a bit when the model reaches upwards. Thanks, Meg! [helps her down] [people
clap] [she quickly bows, then picks up her drink and takes a big sip] I am very lucky to have
her to work with.
FOURTH ARTIST I agree!
FIRST ARTIST I have a question. I’m definitely interested, and Miss McNally, I can guarantee you a generous
hourly rate, but my plan is to use only your breasts.
McNALLY What?
FIRST ARTIST I am going to draw a household scene, with a couple of giant breasts hanging down from the
ceiling.
MEIER That sounds . . . original.
FIRST ARTIST Not really. Have you heard of Tom Stealingworth?
MEIER No.
FIRST ARTIST It’s an homage, I hope not a mimicry, of one of his best-known works. Your breasts are the kind
of shape I want. Anyway, it’s important for the nipples to be erect. I want to emphasize the
pointing-down, invasive quality. I assume your nipples are normal in that regard?
McNALLY Um . . . I suppose so.
MEIER Do you want a demonstration? I can just fish an ice cube from my whiskey here. Meg, can
you get up on the table again, maybe on all fours, so that we can see them hanging down?
[after a pause] Thanks. Here . . . [rubs ice onto one nipple, then the other] See?
FIRST ARTIST [bending down a bit to look] Yes, very satisfactory. [other people crowd around, from both
sides]
SECOND ARTIST She is very responsive there, and quite quickly too.
FOURTH ARTIST When stiff and erect they are quite big. See how her areolas react too. [stands up] We’ve all
seen her nipples like that outdoors, but most of us wouldn’t want to work in such a freezing
studio! [laughter]
THIRD ARTIST I find this rather strange. Hard to believe.
FIFTH ARTIST Don’t mind him, Miss McNally, he’s new here . . . I wonder if you can do a series of photo
shoots that I call, “The Hypernudist”?
McNALLY The what?
FIFTH ARTIST Some athletic type outdoor winter scenes, making a snowman, having a snowball fight, curling,
skating, skiing, all with men and women who are normally dressed in winter outfits.
MEIER Meg’s very athletic. You can tell that from her body.
McNALLY I, uh . . . can’t be outside long.
MEIER But with all that running around, Meg, that will heat you up.
FIFTH ARTIST Obviously.
McNALLY I suppose so.
FIFTH ARTIST Well we can talk about it. Maybe next week when you pose sitting on the ice pond. Or maybe
lying down. From what I understand you will be doing some barefoot “skating”, too.
McNALLY The ice pond?
MEIER Sorry, I forgot to tell you about that.
SIXTH ARTIST Miss McNally, do you do performance art? Or can you pose such as a performance artist?
McNALLY I . . . don’t know what you mean.
MEIER She’s done performance art, but posing as a performance artist? I don’t know what you mean
either.
SIXTH ARTIST Just with props. So you’ve done performance art?
McNALLY Well . . .
MEIER As usual she’s too modest to talk about herself. She doesn’t just pose. She writes and
produces her own material and she’s quite inventive with her performances.
FOURTH ARTIST How so?
MEIER Well . . . in one installation, in San Francisco, called “Second Mouth”, she pulled a long string
of paper out of her vagina with words on it and read from it. As if her vagina was a second
mouth with its own story to tell. The story was of all the men who had been inside there, gyno
exams, and so forth.
FIRST ARTIST Amazing.
McNALLY It, um . . . was . . .
MEIER The critics loved it. I have a photo of it, somewhere.
McNALLY Yes.
THIRD ARTIST Strange that I’ve never heard of it.
MEIER And then there was the performance with the yams.
SEVENTH ARTIST She actually bent down and took yams out of her vagina?
MEIER Not her vagina. [McNALLY chokes on her drink] Are you o.k., Meg?
McNALLY Yes, I just . . . [clears throat] A little bit of ice went down the wrong way. Excuse me for a bit.
[McNALLY goes to next room, less crowded, quieter, sees MAYOR there, with a man in clerical dress]
MAYOR Ah Miss McNally, glad you came over this way, let me introduce you to Reverend Odegaard.
He has that Lutheran church across the street, St. Olaf’s.
McNALLY [bowing] Uhh . . . Good evening, Reverend.
REVEREND I am glad to meet you, Miss McNally. I’ve seen you around.
McNALLY I . . . hope you’re . . . all right with me.
REVEREND Of course I am. Some of our more hidebound congregants have reservations, of course, but
you must be used to people not approving of nudity.
McNALLY Yes. Very much so.
REVEREND The rest of us admire your modesty.
McNALLY My -- what?
REVEREND You are modest in the truest sense of the word. “Your beauty should not come from outward
adornment.” That’s from the First Letter of Peter. And your reserve, I might even say your
shyness, is not something one would expect in a female who goes everywhere unclothed.
McNALLY Um . . . thanks.
MAYOR As usual, no one can put things better than Sven here, and I agree.
McNALLY Thanks.
REVEREND And in light of that I wonder if you could assist us at service.
McNALLY What? Me in church?
REVEREND To do interpretive dance.
McNALLY Interpretive -- what?
REVEREND To pose and make various movements during the Offertory, and during Communion, in ways
that demonstrate the divine intervention in what is happening. There is a tradition of that,
though not an interpreter who is nude. But your nudity, as you express it, is so far removed
from – concupiscence, as the Catholics put it – that I think it would be uniquely appropriate.
McNALLY Me -- naked -- in church?
REVEREND Well, you’re naked everywhere, aren’t you?
McNALLY Um . . . yes.
MEIER [entering] Wow Meg, that is some high honor you’ve been offered.
REVEREND I’d like to invite you to our Word and Liturgy Committee meeting so we can discuss the details.
Also the ladies and gents on that committee have seen you around and would love to chat and
get to know you.
MEIER Can I come along?
REVEREND Of course. So it’s settled!
SCENE 3
[inside the cabin; McNALLY crouched on the floor near the wood stove, which is not giving enough heat, rubbing her toes; MEIER sitting at desk]
McNALLY You . . . are . . . fucking . . . dead! I don’t know how, I don’t know where, but I will get you for
that whole miserable fucking evening, and God will help me out with every lightning bolt,
wildfire, earthquake, and plague of locusts He can command.
MEIER You’re overreacting.
McNALLY No, you were overdoing it. To put it mild - ly!
MEIER I had to get you used to being exposed. I think it worked.
McNALLY What??
MEIER Nothing they can ask you to do would be more -- revealing than the paces I put you through
tonight.
McNALLY A junior officer does not put his superior through any paces!
MEIER We’re here alone, with a weird stand-by mission, with no specific instructions, and we have to
make it work however. I think we make a good team, you and me. The important thing is to keep
clothes off you so that the Chinese satellites don’t detect where you are. In a weak moment you
might grab something to put over you. You need some willpower strengthening. Until we get the
all-clear.
McNALLY You don’t have to explain it over and over. And the “five minute chill”? Where did you get that
from?
MEIER I did some online research. It was from a story.
McNALLY Probably porn.
MEIER Not really.
McNALLY You should just write this stuff instead of making me do it in real life. With everyone leering at
every little bit of me. I’m surprised you didn’t supply magnifying glasses.
MEIER They weren’t leering.
McNALLY They sure as hell were leering. . . At least some of them. And where did you get the loony ideas
about talking twats? Yams in the butt?
MEIER Online. That kind of stuff used to really be performed, in the 70’s and 80’s.
McNALLY And what was that photo about with me squatting over a row of seeds?
MEIER I spliced it together, a photo of you and a photo of a garden.
McNALLY I don’t remember squatting for any of your photos.
MEIER You peed in the snow last week, remember?
McNALLY And -- and you took a pic of me pissing?? How dare you!!
MEIER I couldn’t pass up the chance. You were peeing a real long time, after all that beer. Anyway, I
airbrushed out the pee from the finished photo.
McNALLY [sarcastically] Oh thank you so goddamn much!! My hoo - ha was half stretched open! Everyone
could see right up inside me!
MEIER It was the reflection from the snow. I had to use a flash. You were too drunk to notice even that.
A stroke of good luck, speaking as a photographic artist.
McNALLY Fuck you!
MEIER Maybe I should do a photo series called “The Beauty of the Cervix”.
McNALLY Very funny! Wait till you see my patented invention.
MEIER Invention?
McNALLY The slow-motion testicle crusher I worked out in my mind while you were showing off every inch of
my anatomy. It’s spring-activated. I could so easily slip it on while you’re asleep.
MEIER Anyway . . . I found a possible job for you.
McNALLY I don’t need no fucking job.
MEIER Thanks to me, you have a pretty busy modeling schedule coming up. But it can’t go on forever. Not
enough artists here. And you need to get out more. So you need a job. Also so we can blend in
more with the town.
McNALLY Ha! My naked self, tits poking in everyone’s faces, blending in. I’m not your superior officer any
more. I’m just your toy to show off. Your naked toy. Lieutenant Naked Grade McNally.
MEIER You know that’s not true.
McNALLY It seems true. . . So what’s this job?
MEIER There’s that winter gear shop in town.
McNALLY Yes – I know. All those warm clothes in the window . . .
MEIER The regular stockgirl is leaving for college. And --
McNALLY What? You want me handling nice warm coats all day? And nice warm Uggs? Without being able to
put any of them on?
MEIER It will help your self-control, which certainly needs some help.
McNALLY I’ll go crazy with frustration. My fingers will be shaking all the time, I’ll be dropping the boxes. My
head will explode. There’s only so much I can take!
MEIER You’re a Navy SEAL who went in for a dangerous assignment, knowing you might be shot at, or
exposed to radiation, and you got it done. Then had to shuck your gear and your suit and swim
three miles naked, in water that might have sharks.
McNALLY That was different. I had my “game face” on.
MEIER You’re Silver Star material. You’re incredibly brave. You can handle being a stockgirl.
McNALLY Are you actually paying me a compliment?
MEIER Yes. Myself, I’ve got a job lined up at the library.
McNALLY Oh wow, always wearing clothes and doing clerical work around other people always wearing
clothes. What sacrifices you make. [sighs] I wish this fucking mission would end. When are they
sending us that all-clear?
MEIER I hate to bring this up, being that the evening went so well --
McNALLY – for you, maybe. Me, I wasn’t having that great a time.
MEIER – but notice that one guy who wasn’t too impressed with you?
McNALLY I was too busy blushing and dying of embarrassment to notice anything. What are you talking
about? They were all so lovey-dovey over every bit of me, and hot to put me on display just like you
do.
MEIER The artist with the mustache, sounded English, he kept on saying things like “strange”, “curious”,
“hard to believe”.
McNALLY Now that you mention it . . .
MEIER He might report us to someone.
McNALLY I’d say that was a stretch. Report what exactly?
MEIER Maybe just tell his friends, not just artist friends. We’re “hide in plain sight” but word might get to
the wrong people.
McNALLY They don’t know our real names, they’re looking elsewhere, and the Navy’s covered our tracks. --
Brrr! Why can’t we get this damned wood stove to work right? I have to practically burn my toes to
get any warmth.
MEIER Those online bios of us – anyone who does real searching will quickly figure out they’re fake.
Anyway, if that guy approaches you about modeling, say “no”.
McNALLY That would look suspicious. You’ve got me saying yes to any so-called artist to do any goddamn thing
for them, including sticking yams up my butt.
MEIER O.K., but when you do say yes and model for him, don’t volunteer any new information. And don’t
let him touch you.
McNALLY Nobody gets to touch me. They all know that. Even if they’re only in it for the leering.
MEIER I’m talking about him possibly getting a sample of your DNA. Don’t let him trim your “lower hair”
so that you leave behind a few short-and-curlies.
McNALLY O.K. That’s a good idea. Though they look down there so much I could shave my head bald and
they wouldn’t notice.
MEIER What this all means is, again, you have to be extra careful about what you say. Notice that the two
years versus three years business almost came back to bite us. And I’ll try to draft more intelligent
sounding answers for you.
McNALLY At least get me to high school level.
MEIER And keep the Martinis under control.
McNALLY I only had two. You should congratulate me, you’d get totally smashed if you had to go through what
I go through.
MEIER O.K., congratulations. Here’s your prize. I made something for you. [comes down from desk, gives
McNALLY a drawing]
McNALLY What’s this? Me?
MEIER I can do a good likeness of your face by now.
McNALLY In clothes?? Sweats and sneakers?
MEIER Something to keep your thoughts warm inside, while you’re going bare-ass naked through the snow.
McNALLY Is this another cruel joke?
MEIER No.
McNALLY I think this is more torture. You’re a fucking sadist.
MEIER One can still be fond of the person one is torturing. See the road sign?
McNALLY [looking at drawing again] I’m hitchhiking . . . to Miami.
MEIER Yes, your home town.
McNALLY That’s my high school track uniform. [after a pause] [looks at drawing again] I suppose it’s sweet.
Thank you.
MEIER You’re very welcome. It’s from the heart.
McNALLY I thought you were gay.
MEIER That was quick thinking, you have to admit.
McNALLY Ha.
MEIER Is this fraternizing?
McNALLY Call it what you like.
[end]